Update 4/7/18: Due to lack of website traffic, Reading Blockchain Tells has been shut down. Thanks to everyone who showed their support. It was a fun week-long ride while it lasted.
Press release 4/1/18:
Based on the advice of my marketing consultant and best friend Steve Schultz, I’m announcing that I’m entering the cryptocurrency industry, effective immediately. From here on out you’ll know me not as Reading Poker Tells but as Reading Blockchain Tells™®©.
Also, I will have an Instagram account titled @TheCryptoKeeper. I will also sometimes refer to myself as “Zacrypto Elwood.”
Steve said all these brand names are going to confuse everyone, but he doesn’t understand my love for crypto-based wordplay.
Today I’m going to give you just a sneak peek at what you’re in store for. Whether you’re a CryptoMoron or a seasoned BitCoin Bro, Reading Blockchain Tells will be the place to be for all the hottest Crypto news.
Why you?
People often ask me: What do you, Zachary Elwood, the Poker Tells Guru/Wizard, known for the best-selling1 book Reading Poker Tells and other frequently purchased products, know about cryptocurrency and digital blockchain technology?
That’s a great question and I’m glad it was asked of me.
I’ll be honest; up until recently I was pretty clueless about cryptocurrency. It was just some crazy internet money people talked about on Twitter, kind of like Paypal but without a website I could find, was all I knew about it.
It’s funny looking back now at how ignorant I was.
But then on Friday, I spent several hours Googling ‘Bitcoin’ and, as often seems to happen for me, it all clicked into place. It’s true what they say: poker players have a natural knack for understanding mysterious money-related activities that have questionable value to society, whether it’s Poker or Fantasy Sports or digital blockchain-based currency.
Also, everyone knows poker players have amazing money management skills. If you wouldn’t trust your money with a poker player, who would you trust it with?
In short: poker and digital finances are just a natural fit.
So, to answer the question you initially posed in the heading (“Why you?”), I’d respond with: “Why not him/me?”
CryptoTips
In this article, I want to give you some solid crypto investment tips (please see disclaimer2). I don’t want you to leave empty-handed; I want to give you a sneak taste of the value you’ll be getting from Crypto-Zach™.
Bitcoin
Description: The standard. The GrandFather of Crypto. Not much to say about this. While it’s had a few little ups and downs, we all know it’s never going away.
ZaCrypto’s reads: I recommend treating BitCoin as you would a 401K or an IRA. Put most of your savings in it. You’ll sleep soundly at night knowing you’ve made a safe, low-risk investment decision. (Full disclosure: I own none myself.)
Ethereum
Description: This one has been getting a lot of attention, mainly for its great name. It definitely has the hottest crypto name right now.
ZaCrypto’s reads: I know nothing about this one, but I plan on buying some because the name is so good. It makes you feel like you’re in outer space just saying it.
Titcoin
Description: Titcoin was created by the porn industry to facilitate anonymous purchases of adult products and services.
ZaCrypto’s reads: Think of how fun it’ll be if TitCoin becomes the main cryptocurrency. You’ll be at Safeway and the elderly cashier will say, “That’ll be 68 TitCoins,” really embarrassed, and you’ll say, “Here are those TitCoins you asked for.” I say let’s help make this happen and invest heavily!
Coinye
Description: This currency was originally named Coinye West, after Kanye West. But they didn’t get his permission first. After Kanye sued them, they changed to just Coinye. It’s been pretty much defunct after the lawsuit, but the network still exists.
ZaCrypto’s reads: There is still a possibility Kanye West has a change of heart or a mental breakdown and decides to support this currency. Even a single tweet from “Yeezys” could send Coinye stock soaring. I recommend getting a few thousand in your portfolio, just in case.
ForkCoin
Description: “Forking” a blockchain is usually something that happens only when there’s an emergency or a disagreement in the community. ForkCoin creator Roelle Larue turned his diploma to the wall and actually encouraged people on the ForkCoin network to fork as much as they wanted. As a result, there are currently about 42,000 different versions of ForkCoin. As you’d expect, this has kind of eroded trust in the currency.
ZaCrypto’s reads: Every logical bone in my body says stay away from this one. But, on the other hand, they’re very cheap. And there are rumors Mr. Larue will be coming out of drug rehab soon. So who knows? With a clearer head, he might find a way to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
HugeCoin
Description: While many currency creators are focused on making the blockchain computations sleek and lean, Albin Johannson, the creator of HugeCoin, bucked the herd and instead focused on making the most secure, obtuse, and quite frankly ridiculous system possible. The results? A HugeCoin transaction takes approximately 28 days, while placing a single HugeCoin into your wallet takes up 60 GB of space.
ZaCrypto’s reads: One thing that might send HugeCoin on an upswing: if quantum computer tech starts delivering groundbreaking computational advances, it could allow for the marketplace to loosen up and accept HugeCoin’s immense girth. I say buy a bunch of HC and keep an eye on the physics journals!
AntiCoin
Description: This currency was created by game designer and failed physicist Alex Weldon. Sort of like how antimatter is the opposite of regular matter, AntiCoin is the mirror image opposite of BitCoin. The AntiCoin blockchain and coins are all exactly the same as BitCoin; just with all the little digital zeros and ones reversed. When you place an AntiCoin together with a Bitcoin in your Wallet, they annihilate each other, destroying both coins.
ZaCrypto’s reads: It’s unclear how customers will respond longterm to such a volatile currency. But this is creative, groundbreaking stuff. Sometimes weird shit like this will succeed and you’ll be like “You idiot, why didn’t you get some of this stuff even though it looked so stupid?” So I say go for it and buy a few thousand dollars worth (keep it in separate wallet from Bitcoin obviously).
Okay that’s all you get for now. No more free tastes.
What’s next?
I will be legally changing my name to Za-Crypto-ry Elwood™ within the next few weeks to show that I am 110% dedicated to crypto. Let’s see you do that, @CrypTorelli or Doug Polk. And if I’m not still producing regular cryptocurrency content a year from now, I will eat my own penis live on Twitch.
Stay tuned for more crypto news, coming soon. #ReadingBlockchainTells #ZaCrypto #CryptoForever
Any questions about crypto, feel free to send to [email protected].
If you’ve enjoyed my crypto writings, you may also enjoy my writings on spirituality and Eastern philosophy.
1″Best-selling” indicates book was top seller on Amazon in Poker category one day from 3:39am to 3:41 EST.
2Disclaimer: Although Zachary Elwood is an expert on the subject of cryptocurrency, he and Reading Blockchain Tells™® take no responsibility for any information, advice, and potential libel in his writings or speech. To reiterate: Zachary Elwood is in no way responsible for anything he ever says, writes, or does, and will eternally deny all accountability for his words and actions.
Ha ha, love it! Thanks for sharing….